'The Poor Man's JessieJ' cordially invites you to to read about her life- that's me. go sick.
This blog is not for the faint hearted or easily offended
I’m looking skywards and feel as thought there are whole new realms opening up to greet me.
It’s the 13th March 2012... and Jupiter and Venus are clear and visible in the night sky.
Two tiny dots of far flaming possibility.
I do hope this isn’t too romantic for you, and that anyone reading hasn’t been a bit sick in their mouth or felt a small tinge of the well known affirmation of cringe.
Regardless, I feel good today.. However, today I arrived at work 24 hours early... fail.
Found out that my bank account is now empty… that’s 1,500 debt you say?
And I got trapped in some bus doors and smoke with a teenage pregnancy victim.. she fell victim to pregnancy when on the pill you see. A not so well know side effect of sperm is that it will find a way :D
So why am I so happy? And positive? Is it because in the darkness I can see two lights and the end of the tunnel? Have I had too many red wines? You ask
‘Is it because that pestering boy has gone? What about that possible radio station placement?’... or just your mad beatball skills (werd)
Nope.
I’m just feeling good. Fuck you
For your entire star watching needs see the link below.
“McDee. I don’t know how you get into these situations, its just not normal is it. You are the only variable here, it must be something to do with YOU” –Nan Bread.
Thankyou! I blooming thought it wasn’t normal.. having sex with your friend’s boyfriend while she watches and touches herself isn’t normal.. I have entered the twilight zone.. and I’m in deep.
So why do I like it?
It’s a taboo and I love it.
It’s perverse but I don’t sleep with people I like… at least not right away is that. Odd?
However, dear readers, not only am I ahead of myself but I am ahead of you… so lets start again at the beginning because I want to hold your hand and take you through this; baby yeh!
I blame my mother. How very telling and Freudian of me, don’t you think?
I blame her for my insanity. For thinking that its okay to; waltz around the kitchen alone or talk to myself.
We sing rather than speak to each other converse as though I was a clanger or similar;
Moi: Gob fla rubba dub?
Ma Gill: Shru nu’gre lo top!!?
Sorry did I say blame? I meant LOVE.
I love that wonderfully daft and crazy woman who loves red wine when it tastes like blackcurrants and putting on comfy pants.
But she did teach me to be myself… which is a nutter…who loves to shock people.. to push their levels of comfort just a little bit.
and am always surprised when people can do it in return. It’s nice and unnerving.
For my escapades, I carry no blame, they are all my own. And so odd that they seem worse than they are:
Sexual partners; 15 (3 of which girls)
Sexual encounters; 28
.. when you think about it.. that’s not a lot. I’ve never had a one night stand.
Never had a boyfriend… but everything else is free game.
Like a wallet dropped on the floor I shall look around before I stoop to pick it up and riffle through it.
Yet, riffle through it I will.
STOP DIGRESSING! That wasn’t the point of this post?!
The point wasn’t and isn’t that I went to a swingers club with two couples who are close friends of mine
The point isn’t that we had McDonalds afterwards.
The point isn’t that no one felt weird about it afterwards and laughed about it.
The point is these things happen… frequently.
And the variable is me.
I was in a bus crash today
so nur
NEXT WEEK’S HYPOTHESIS
I will debate and try to refute the suggested hypothesis of Mr. Marley
If there is a direct correlation between ‘no woman’ directly resulting in ‘no cry’.
Based on what? I hear you ask;
If singleness is directly related to crying.
If unhappy relationships cause more of a negative affect than singledom.
If gay men are happier than straight men…
Today’s thought;
If you like scary films... don’t watch Paranormal activity 3. I search my wardrobe strategically and look under my bed every night (quite the task when you consider that my bed is a built in wooden frame.)
.. I digress.
My point being even I wasn’t scared
and I can’t sleep in a room that I know there is a doll in. or a clown. Or a murderer. You know that one night when you sleep with a murderer… well. Nuff’ said.
Today’s Riddle
There are coloured sweets in a bowl, on a table.
All but four of them are red.
All but four of them are yellow
And all butfour of them are blue
How many sweets are in the bowl?
Today, someone threw cheese at me as I got off the bus.
and I yelled after them 'YEH! thats REALLY MATURE!!'
Dearest Readers,
It's been a while and I would like to apologise for that firstly. Sometimes, I think I have a lot to apologise for but that’s my own niggling problem… and I’m sure, non of your concern.
So where to begin?.. Alphabetically? Or Chronologically?..
I suppose Chronologically has logically in it for a reason. And in the immortal words of Julie Andrews;
“Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.”
1) Bridemaid
So, I left you on the 9th of January… Since then I’ve been a bridesmaid and in remembrance of the fine occasion was given a pocket watch .. in return getting a pre-wedding day of pampering, for wearing a lovely dress, and having a big lavish meal with unlimited social lubricant (booze).
I blooming loved it! It was a marvellous day and great venue. The only thing better than the love in the bride’s and groom’s hearts and eyes for each other, as they embarked on their live long journey of love…was the cake (four layers.. of an array of different fillings.. all different! That’s nothing shy of madness!).
2) Dating
I had my first real proper and legitimate ‘booty call’ with ‘Master’, the guy who whips/spanks me but I’ve not seen him in weeks, and don’t miss him. I just feel...ambivalent I suppose. Which takes me on to my next topic... due to this alphabetical nature of my organisational schematic… dating.. see above!
Starting dating and generally been quite frivolous! I’ve been on an internet dating site. At first I thought of all the stigmas of internet dating and thought of what that would entail and … what would be wrong with them? And what’s wrong with me?!
But then I relaxed and realised it was all fun. www.okcupid.com; it was given to me by Nan Bread… also in some circles known as ‘Hanna’, but I do not acknowledge these circles. To me my friend Nan Bread.
Of course though, as soon as I started looking at the options available in cyberspace.. in realspace people were presenting themselves. At one point I was even juggling 4 possible love interests. I would like to clarify.. I’m not sleeping with any of them, at this point at least, I’m not more than 4 dates with any and don’t see the point in rushing.
But I feel like I’m surrounded by; games. That I don’t know how to play… Rules… and some toolmonger has klepto’d my rulebook… and perhaps I’ll die alone.
In all seriousness.
It’s taken me 21 years to love and accept myself; I always say the wrong things, will always be a little bit fat, will always let people take advantage of my good nature and simple mind.. It’s taken me 21 years.. who’s to say anyone else will wait that long?
3) Derbyshire
I was all girly. And I’m not usually that girly; I like geeky things like Dr who, and find farting and dirty jokes hilarious! So when me and my sensible friend Lisa went up to visit Grace... who have to say is nothing short of Wales’ answer to Bree Van Der Kamp… this was the chance to be girly and go shopping and eat cake and talk about boys.
It was snowing, so I made a snow angel and because it was inevitable, being a clumsy bean as I am, I fell over. I had a spot under my arm and it hurt and I was told not to worry by Lisa.
4) Surgery
The week passed uneventfully apart from the spot hurt and got bigger. It was Nadim’s Birthday (he’s my tall Egyptian workmate who speaks French) an I bought him gifts and he was really quite emotional about it.. saying that I didn’t have to and that he was really thankful. Of course on that same day when he yawned I but my knuckle in his mouth and he freaked out (he’s a touch of a germaphobe... on of the gifts I bought him was hand sanitizer). Anyway his thankful-ness was largely reduced.
I had a few dates that week and inevitably put two men on the short road to disliking me. I also got my lumped checked out.. turns out it was an abscess. Got it checked on the Monday…had it cut out under general anaesthetic on the Wednesday and here I am on the Sunday with at least a week off work ahead of me... and loads of painkillers… painkillers that knock me off my feet! Make me all sedate and docile, numb enough that if a hobo smacked me across the face with a pipe I may not be able to feel it and make all conversation uncompressible to follow. (What did you say?:S)
And finally, a wound that apparently looks like a mouth (with a cupids bow and everything), that needs packing and dressing everyday for at least three weeks!
Final Conclusion;
So here I am sat in the conservatory as my no-good-nick of an older brother hot boxes the Gazebo at the bottom of the garden with 4 of his quite hot friends. Not a moment ago did we have a dealer ring our doorbell likeFREAKING PIZZA DELIVERY BOY IN A BAD PORN FILM.
And I lament over all of the information above. All of these things make me think; is it me?
Why do boys I like, never like me? And the ones who do, I don’t?
Why don’t I feel close to anyone.It’s as though I’ve never had a close relationship in my life; friend, romantic or otherwise. Everything seems so superficial and dull. I’m bored.
So.. do I change?
Clean living? Yawn.
Excerise? Pass the cake.
Hobbies? Pass the TV remote.
To Do;
Motivate self to pass driving test/ volunteer at Radio station.
Give up smoking for lent… Jesus, Mary and Joseph that's gunna be a bitch.
Have more orgasms.
Thankyou for reading,
Your Ever Gracious Host,
Vixen xox
Today's song is someonewhat cliched!
its Coldplay-Fix You.. just for the 'you get what you want but not what you need' lyric.
I get some cake and a kiss. I need to be told to go for a run.. and a punch in the face!
but for some reason I'm 'endearing' because i babble and am a goofy dofus..
ergo.. no one will punch me in th face.
fuck me, I've tried to provoke some.
Today's joke is a tounge twister i want you to memmorsie and say outloud;
one smart fellow, he felt smart.
two smart fellows, they both felt smart.
three smart fellows; they all felt smart.
I may have lost the plot; this entry includes drink, sex and lesbianism… that I have actually ...lied about. I’ve under exaggerated. Read with caution and lets just keep this between us :D for I talk of what happens to everyone, but no one mentions. People do these things but don’t talk about them... is not doing them and talking about them worse? Or better?
I’ve had a few days where nothing happened. No drama or mishap.
I’ve not had any of these days recently; but they’ve happened
A few odd days at university I stayed in my room only emerging for food; filling my day with Facebook, Doctor Who DVDs, GreenWing and finishing it/myself off with porn. (Pun intended. Hah, I made a funny)
If my life was full of those days... what’s the worst that could have happen, apart from bed sores.
But that is not my life.
Not even a didley.
OH! I started a job today… but that digression, back to the story. This week was spent keeping busy, meeting up with people, htting the sales and drinking cocktails. The plan was that on Friday Hanna was coming up for the weekend and we’d go out dancing and do facemasks and watch films :D all the good things.
But Hanna had a free flat (her dull flatmate Dan was away) and she wanted to make the most of it so I went over there. That night we had MacDonald and watched a film.
On Friday, we got up had breakfast and played GuessWho and (sexual) Frustration. Then we watched Catfish; which is a piece of cinema most excellent.
And final Destination 5, equally as gripping.. and they freshened it up as well with a twist. So watch that s**t.
After that we got all dolled up and went for a meal at Pizza Express, and Hanna said to me;
‘It’s your personality, why you’re single, its not your looks. Which is good because if you were ugly then you’d have to find someone who would put up with your ugly face. But you’re fit... so you just have to find someone who’s a freak too, who you can click with.’
She’s single to so I don’t know why girls preaching.. but she’s had many serious long relationships, and is cool. I have neither from column a) nor b). and on a man hunt or just a fun hunt; we decided to go places we would usually which included Players, Tiger bar, Walk-a-bout, Reflex, Embrace and finally FWD… the reason why these places aren’t where we usually go because they’re uaually, chavy, or over crowed.. or in the case of Reflex.. the crowd is really freakin’ old!
I met a boy I liked in embrace him and his friends went to Reflex… his name was Pete.. I made him get on the dancepole and he got kicked in the face.. we made out a bit.. it was hot. I paid for his entry to embrace and he went to buy drinks then I lost him.. and from there it went downhill.
The downhilly-nes wasn’t aided by the fact I was sad.. er, I don’t get with people on night out I think its clichéd and therefore.. been done… I talk but no kissy kissy and no sexytime. Hulla no.
So we were in embrace a lot of money lighter.. and then forward when embrace closed at 4.. and then its 5 and Hanna’s making out with a guy called Joe and there’s another couple getting off with each other a girl called Keely and a fireman… so I walk to the bar and buy a gay guy a drink.
He said that he hated his overdraft and I said that I loved it because it felt like you were spending other people’s money. And he was. Mine.
When I went back they were gone. So I went to the bathroom.. because Hanna has said that this was the sort of place you could by drugs in the toilet and she didn’t seem adverse to the idea. But there was a girl there who was crying and ended up crying on me while the toilet woman looked on disapprovingly, with a face not just like thunder but like a supernova.
Hanna wasn’t there. I walked to get a taxi, assuming she must have gone home..it was . I called her phone repatedly.. and then someone answered A girl I think it was Keely, because she had a gutter Sheffield accent, a bad one. The voice said that Hanna couldn’t answer the phone and had an air of smug laugh-i-ness to it. the voice said she was ‘occupied’, implying sex… but when I asked if they were still in FWD.. said ‘yes’.
I stayed at the doors of the club till it closed and called her repeatedly… and then someone answered the phone.. again, still not Hanna. It was . This voice was male and spoke in circles denying nor confirming nothing.
I went to Hanna’s flat, weighed up just going to the train station, and thought better of it. At Hanna’s flat I buzzed her, with no answer and buzzed her neighbour.
Her neighbour is a slim woman of 30ish.. and is surprisingly chipper when woken up at 5.30 in the morning.
I called the police and opened a police report…while I waited for a taxi.
Then I went to Kaltin’s flat, because so it seems my previously drunk self apparently has a panache for waking people up in the night… her and her boyfriend Andy. Katlin paid for my taxi. Made me a cup of tea. Listened to me. And made me a couch-bed.
I do not deserve her.
I called myfuckbuddy and left him a tearful voicemail...when you don’t know who to call…call someone who has sex with you.
Last time we saw each other.. thinking now.. we didn’t have sex.. on Wednesday, we bought pizza, watched Jason Statham and I gave him hand relief while he strangled me.. that was wired. Back to the story.
It was 6.30. I am dozing on Katlin’s couch.
It was7…sih
Then the phone rang. It was Hanna she said she’d found herself in a Travelodge. They’d gone in two taxis and realised that when they arrived I wasn’t there. Her phone had ran out of battery. She plugged it in to charge. Was ushered into a bathroom, for sex, by a guy who wasn’t as nice as he appeared.
Called Taxi’s who called back but didn’t show. Called me and said she’d be there in 5. but she was there in 3.
And this Keely girl was in the car, talking on Hanna’s phone in her terrible voice. Saying ‘I’ve got no money’ in a accusatory way as though it was Hanna’s fault.
When we got back we each told out stories and drank ice on gin.
And we made out.
And then we made out for a bit... more; and I realised that now .. I don’t have a single friend I haven’t made out with.
Normally, it’s me. Hands in the air it’s me who done the kissing crime.
I’d be drunk and make out with people, sometimes forcefully, not rapey.. just a bit.. sprung?
And my bad broke. And the ticket man on the train said there was some kind of printing area on my ticket and said I had to buy another one. And I laughed like a maniac on the train because it was just toooo much?!
I was sick last night and started.. today.. it’s a data input job for the time being at a little Translations company. The work that I’m doing should take a few weeks but will take a few days because I’m efficient.. who’d have thunk it?!
As always your gracious and drunk hostess wishes you the best, and if you read all that and got this far down the page im impressed and would like to give you this star*
Vixen xox
Today; I am the joke of the day.
Song of the day; Bob Dylan- Lepard Skin Pillbox Hat
it was recntly introduced to me .. and its bangin'
This blog will not always be taken in good humour but should always be taken with a pinch of salt.
If casual talk of sex, blasphemy and other topics that bring a room to an awkward arrested silence are not of your humour then this is not reading of your preferred forte. I can recommend the Shop-o-lohic series and a multitude of Disc-world books, as they are bangn', but this is a wee bit darker; think black mirror... think youporn.
A lot has changed recently; (in order)
I've Graduated.
Become Unemployed
Realised I'm Unemployable
Started Internet dating
Acquired a fuckbuddy; got spanked, whipped and had anal
Lost a best friend; He didn't die or anything fear not.
He just came to the realisation that I cause him too much pain and he doesn't want to see me again.
but still tried to fuck me.
But its the first of January of a whole year.
and it may be terrible to say but it takes a weight of my shoulders.
No obligation looming in the future.
No, dear readers.
No more.
I'm free and want to be feckless and happy. I want to do what I've not done and more. I never had casual sex after a night out at University or a boyfriend, or chased a fox. or a bus?!
but.. i did do everything else, for example.. last week particially partook in toesex. mwhahahah
I want this blog to be a full and real account of my insane and wildy decandant life.
lots of love from your charming lush of a narrator; watch this space if you have sense.
